I will however, briefly catch you up on what’s been up with me:

• I moved back to Austin from Costa Rica in February.
• I’ve currently got my hand in a few different work buckets in the wedding industry, and I’m loving it.
• I’ve grown really interested in fitness and nutrition.
• I’m not pregnant (nor am I TTC), though almost everyone I know seems to be or just was recently or is about to be any second.
• I have a new niece. She and my nephew are just the best.
• I attended Making Things Happen almost two months ago. It was and continues to be life-changing.
• Life is coming at me fast and hard, and I am trying to meet it with grace and truth.

I feel different. I think I am different. So my writing/blog might look a little different. It might not. Find out with me, will ya?

Me: This is Natalie.

Dude: Hi Natalie, this is Jake from GoDaddy. I’m calling in regard to renewing your domain name.

Me: Oh. Yes. I do have a domain name, don’t I?

Jake: Yes, you do, and it’s up for automatic renewal, but unfortunately the cc we have on file is expired so the renewal is not so automatic.

Me: Okay, sure, let’s update that cc.

Jake: Great, first can you give me the zip code that we have on file for you to verify your identity?

Me: uhh……

[First of all, I couldn't remember which place I lived at when I originally registered the domain name, and then I had also worked at an office that had moved, so I had 2 different zip codes in my head from that, and I could not for the life of me remember which one it was out of the 4 or 5 possible ones]

Jake: I have plenty of time.

Me: Is it 787**?

Jake: Nope.

Me: Is it 787$$?

Jake: No.

Me: How about 787&&?

Jake: No. Do you remember your account pin number? We could also look it up with that.

Me: Is it ####?

Jake: No.

Me: Um….give me a minute.

[At this point I started looking up old resumes on my computer to see what my address had been, but my computer was being sooo slow and ridiculous, and then it occurred to me to look at my old drivers license and maybe that was it.]

Me: Is it 787@@?

Jake: Success!

Me: Yes!

Jake: Okay, so now I’ll just need your new cc info and we’ll be all set.

So I gave it to him* and renewed my domain name and it spurred on the nagging feeling I’ve been having lately of how much I’ve been neglecting this blog. So here I am, blogging, thanks to Jake.

*As I’m rehashing this now, I realize that Jake could be the most amazing scam artist ever and just waited patiently for me to remember my zip code and give him stolen all my cc info, but the confirmation I got from GoDaddy after that I had renewed assuaged those fears.

I met you my first week in Costa Rica at the gym and subsequently made the decision to only do Jillian Michaels DVDs in my apartment. After deciding to take my health a little more seriously, I wanted to try running, and as running outside in Costa Rica would most likely result in a broken ankle due to poor sidewalks/roads, my only option was to go back to the gym. I have since been back to the gym several times. Most of these times are quite enjoyable, however today’s gym time was not, because 4 minutes into my workout, you showed up.

I didn’t see you come in, because my treadmill faces away from the door, but I knew you were there because all of a sudden it smelled like I was in Abercrombie and Fitch retail store. This, in case you weren’t sure, is not a compliment. Not only is your cologne offensive on its own, in general, but in a gym where regardless of what people are doing they are most likely breathing in very deeply, it is nothing short of torturous. Also, as you are not wearing a shirt because you think your abdominal muscles are God’s gift to women, I must deduce that you sprayed your body and not your clothes with whatever musk it is you wear, and therefore it will soon be mixing with your sweat and evolving into something much, much worse.

You announce your presence as you get on the elliptical next to my treadmill, even though I am doing my best to ignore you. I know you can hear FutureSex / Love Sound blaring out of my headphones that I turned up instinctively when your foul-smelling self walked into the gym. When I don’t respond, you do your best to impress me by not warming up and beginning to go as fast as you possibly can. I am not impressed, if you were wondering. And then you keep looking at me, giving me the side eye. Stop it, because this is a gym, not the local staring contest hall. If I were to acknowledge  you, I would say,

“Do I look like someone who wants to talk to you right now?”

Please note the judgmental eyebrow and firetruck red face (thanks, genetics!)

*Note*: If you finish up at the gym, and you still look cute, you are doing it wrong. So don’t judge.

That’s a no. Once you realize that going really fast on the elliptical for 3 minutes is not getting my attention,  you move on to weights. I am not so conceited as to believe that you are only at the gym because I am, and I would not be so sure that it is your goal to impress me if you actually worked out and did a reasonable amount of cardio before trying your next tactic. I can also tell that you are lifting hand weights that are too heavy for you because you keep haphazardly dropping them. Watch your fingers! Or don’t, if that means you will be unable to operate the spraying mechanism on your cologne.

One more thing: You are working out in skateboarding shoes. I know this because I used to rock a sweet pair of Etnies, and also they are clearly flat with no arch support. Perhaps your efforts would be better spent skateboarding down the treacherous streets of Costa Rica where girls will see your shiny abs coming from a half a mile away, and then as you pass by, they’ll turn to each other and ask in confusion, “What was that…smell?”, instead of coming to the gym to impress disgust me.

Most Sincerely,

Girl on the Treadmill

On one hand, I am super stoked to get home, get into my normal routine where I dress out of my whole closet instead of what I could fit into suitcases, and have so much more access to the kinds of foods I’d like to be preparing/eating (more on that later, perhaps), where I get to spend time with my people (oh, to have friends that I can actually hang out with in real life). On the other, this time here has been so important for me. Yes, professionally, I have learned a lot. This is EXTREME wedding planning, no joke. But I’m talking more personally. The time I’ve had to myself to really reflect, and just BE has been invaluable.

I strongly encourage you to really take the time to know, understand, spend time with, and take care of yourself. No, not everyone can uproot their lives for 6 months and go live alone in another country. I get that. But I do think that doing something different is a good catalyst to the kind of self-awareness I feel I’ve gained. I know I looked long and hard for it on the floor of my living room, in my journal, at Barnes and Noble; I just didn’t find it in any of those places. Something about being out of my usual environment, and being as alone as I wanted to be (basically shutting off my computer closes off my world), was really what did it. I feel more whole, more refreshed, more me. I want the same for you.

And so in some ways, I’m scared to go back. Scared to slip back into the day-to-day of not paying attention to myself, of people pleasing, of feeling too busy to even think. I am terrified of the ugly black hole that I used to sit in for weeks, the hole of debilitating depression and anxiety. I’m not saying being here has completely cured me of that. I still have dark days. But now I have more clarity about it, what triggers it, what can help get me through it even if I can’t get out of it.

But I don’t have a choice. Plane ticked is purchased. Plans are being made. I am working on finding a new job when I get back. And so I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to squeeze every last bit of what I don’t even know I need yet out of this experience here in Costa Rica.

*Steps off soapbox*

That being said, I am really looking forward to 2012. Not with a false sense of hope a grandeur, I think. Not even with a real set of “resolutions” to give me something to work for, and most likely fail at completing. But mostly just with a sense that forward motion is typically a good thing, and while that continues regardless of if it’s a new year or not, there is a sense of “freshness” that the new year brings, and I dig that.

Now while I don’t have real resolutions, I do have a few things that I’d like to keep doing, or get done once and for all.

1. Cut back on soda. Soda is delicious. I love it. I drink regular, not diet, and it’s pretty much fantastic. But my skinny jeans disagree, and also, my urine. While soda is just a readily available here in Costa Rica as it is everywhere else, I found myself buying it less as my budget is tight, and it’s a luxury I can’t really afford. I also got a pedicure sometime last year and the woman told me from feeling my feet and noticing when I felt pain that my kidneys were not happy and I needed to drink tons more water and not much else. Have I ever listened to doctors or medical studies or my mom or anything else when it told me to drink more water? Nah. Am I listening to my manicurist? You bet your bippy I am. So I’ve been drinking more water, and not buying soda, and not really going out much where I like to order soda, so it’s been naturally cut back. I hope I can keep that up when I move home.

2. Go to an endocrinologist and a psychiatrist when I get back, get my medicines for my thyroid and my anxiety/depression figured out, and take them like I’m supposed to take them. This is just so necessary and it’s amazing to me how long I’ve put off taking the steps to feel good. When your baseline feeling (body and mind) sucks, everything else feels infinitely worse. Gotta fix this.

3. Boundaries. Whether this is not looking at work email when I’m not at work, or not picking up the phone if I don’t feel like talking at that moment, I need to get better at this. This also includes setting aside non-negotiable time for me to rest, read, spend time reading the Bible and praying, craft, zone out and watch Netflix, whatever. This is also stemming from me figuring out which relationships I need in my life, and which ones it might be healthy to let go of.

That’s really it. Water>soda, go to the doctor like I should have forever, and rest and screen my calls. Pretty attainable, I feel.

Also, it’s my blog’s birthday. I started this blog a year ago and…I don’t feel super impressed with it at the moment. I hope to change that, but as I’m sure you’ve noticed, if I don’t feel like writing, I don’t. And I’m not going to change that, or write for the sake of writing, because that’s ridiculous. I love all of you who DO read and comment when I post. Youda youda best.

Cheers to 2012, and clearer pee, errybody.

I know I noticed growing up that Christmas just didn’t seem as magical anymore. I consider that a natural part of growing up, but I don’t think I ever stopped trying to find that Christmas-y “feeling”.

Where Are You Christmas

(Also how crazy is it that that’s Taylor Momsen in that video?)

Then I moved to Texas. I was away from family and snow for the while leading up to the holidays, and after finals I got to go spend a month at home so it still felt wintery then.

This year, however, has been just strange. I started noticing back in October when all of you were wrapping up in pretty scarves and eating and drinking pumpkin everything that I totally missed it. I had never really considered myself someone who cared about these things until they were missing. Then as October rolled into November and November rolled into December, I kept getting up in the morning and putting on jeans and long sleeves. And sweating to death. I started drinking hot chocolate and getting hot flashes. All the winter instincts that had been instilled in me growing up were clashing with what was actually going on around me.

Now I’m not complaining. I actually really thrive in warm weather-I’m happier. Truly, I think I am. But my brain is just confused because it wants to do things it’s used to that don’t make sense here. I found this sort of odd…I didn’t think I was preprogramed to acting a certain way depending on what time of year it was.

There are a few things that help:

• Buying Christmas presents helps for sure.
• The Christmas Cheer that was mailed to me helps A LOT.
• Justin Bieber’s Christmas album helps. Don’t hate.
• Sending out holiday mail to my internet friends helped (although I have no idea when it’ll get there. Holla at me when you get it, please?).
• Checking the weather in St. Louis where I’ll be spending a week over Christmas helps
• making plans with people I am SO excited to see, however briefly, in Houston and Austin helps.
• And being connected to all of you while you’re experiencing wintery goodness, via your blogs, Twitter, Pinterest, in some rare cases Facebook, helps.

Grateful:

• to have a lot of time to myself to think, rest, pray, read, write, watch, create
• to know/be figuring out who I want in my life, and who actually wants to be in my life
• to be deepening my relationships with these people, and also with God
• that I got to visit the States for Thanksgiving; for family, friends, food, and Target
• that it is basically 70 degrees here, daily. I thrive best in warmer climates.
• for all the books I’ve been able to read
• that I live someplace that I feel comfortable and safe
• for the technology that lets me stay in touch with people I love
• for the work experience I’m gaining
• that my Spanish IS improving
• that I am getting more familiar and comfortable with who I am
• that I have time (and energy!) to work out
• that I can simultaneously be glad I’m here and miss home
• for my sweet friend, Layla, who sent me my own Christmas-y-ness when she heard I’d be treeless here in Costa Rica, and who will continue an email thread forever

Just…there are times it’s really difficult to trudge through everything I’m trudging through, but I’m so glad to be doing it, and to be doing it in paradise. As I keep saying to some people when they ask…I am not in the best place in life…but I’m okay with the process. My process. I am making progress in my process. So here’s to the next 3ish months. I have a feeling they are going to totally FLY by.

It’s okay…

That I can’t do the dishes without:

a. scalding myself
b. getting water all over the floor
c. getting water all over myself

that I sound just like Taylor Swift in the shower but not so much out of the shower

that I listen to Taylor Swift

that level 1 of the 30 Day Shred was getting easy, but when I switched up to level 2 I thought I might die

that I’ve never met some of my favorite people. Love my friends that live in the computer.

that after I buy groceries I literally plan what I’m going to eat for every meal and snack to make sure that nothing goes bad/I don’t waste anything

to be considering taking a trip where I will be in my destination less than 24 hours because there are people I love and want to see there, especially since I’m out of the country

that I just watched every episode there is of Pretty Little Liars over the past few weeks. Not ashamed.

to be in bed before 10 most nights

What’s okay witchu?

Title from here

Literally. all. of. it. is. mayonnaise. And there is more in either direction. In every flavor you could and don’t want to imagine. Costa Ricans put it on everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I’ve seen them put it on fruit, use it as sauce for meat, etc. There’s some culture for you. You’re welcome.